


Born Singer

by Byxl



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Friendship, Idol Life, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Monsta X Bingo, Real Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-17
Updated: 2017-03-17
Packaged: 2018-10-06 18:12:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10341378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Byxl/pseuds/Byxl
Summary: There is this constant feeling of loneliness deep inside each of them.It's the same feeling that has them get up in the morning, head-aching, pain all over the body. It's the same feeling that makes them smile so bright and genuine and the same feeling that makes them hate everything at the end of the day.





	

It was the crowd screaming their lungs out, that made him stop breathing for a while – just to live for a second.

There is this constant feeling of loneliness deep inside each of them.

It's the same feeling that has them get up in the morning, head-aching, pain all over the body. It's the same feeling that makes them smile so bright and genuine and the same feeling that makes them hate everything at the end of the day.

Maybe there was a simpler way to describe it.

To put it short – if ever possible - this was probably only bits of the feelings they had to go through constantly; 'they' meaning being a singer and 'going through constantly' meaning every day, every damn second.

 

Mornings always tend to be the worst.

They say that once you are a singer, there is no „monday-sickness“, simply because every day is the same, but Hyungwon absolutely detests waking up.

It's Kihyun's nasal, shrieking voice telling him to „hurry up and move his ass“ as quick as possible that always brings every good dream back to reality. It's the sound of six other males groaning every five seconds in the middle of a huge mess trying to organize each other, hurried foot-steps and complaints in front of the bathroom – he hates it.

And when they finally manage to get kind of ready and Hyungwon tries to force some food down his throat, he realizes it doesn't function - the food doesn't even leave his mouth – and he ends up spitting it out most of the times; not because Kihyun is a bad cook – that's probably one of his few talents – but because there was nothing he was functioning in these days.

And he knows – he always does – that they will scold him later for looking way too thin and unhealthy and for ruining their image of looking strong, because he was just „a fucking pole“ - nothing else. But he never listened to those comments, rather worries about all the comments his fans will leave him; how they always tell him to eat more and to take care of himself and he tries, he tries so hard, but it doesn't work.

Minhyuk will start looking after him more again, Kihyun trying to make him eat small portions from time to time and Hoseok practically gluing onto him, because he was worried Hyungwon would plan to do something dangerous. Which is plain bullshit; he was still sane enough to care about living normally.

But he'll realize how off he looks, the moment Jooheon stares back and forth between their bodies, pulling onto his thin skin and looking flustered though he already lost big amounts of weight and he already looked thin enough. And he would know by the way Hyunwoo would glance over from time to time, whenever he suddenly stops dancing in the middle of practice because every breath seemed to kill him slowly; the eldest of them was trying so hard to not talk about it though.

And then there was also Changkyun and to be fairly honest, Hyungwon was always the most scared of Changkyun's reactions, because – although it doesn't show – he can see how pissed the youngest of them looks, when only he gets scolded for acting sick or at least not being in the best condition. And although he had told him tons of times before not to get too into it, Changkyun would always have this certain aura around him and Hoseok had tried to explain it to him before. Something along the lines of „he really cares about others“ and „he doesn't want to see his brothers in pain“ and that sounds ridiculously sweet, but he couldn't care less.

It was during the vocal-practice, when Hyungwon's voice cracks and everyone stares over to him that makes him realize how tired they all look – how worn-out they all actually are. And by the way Hyunwoo's eyebrows were furrowed and how Kihyun was holding his small hand tightly like a fist, he notices how angry they are and he wonders why; why him and why are they not saying anything, but then Hoseok laughs, nervously, „break, guys“ and then they storm off, one after another and it's just him for a while.

But they don't hate each other; after all the ups and downs they have went through already, Hyungwon knows well that they are avoiding getting angry at his face, because they all know, it's the stress, nothing else. Kihyun is just simply hot-tempered, Jooheon a bit sulky and Minhyuk slightly panicking; it's fine, they went through that already.

The rehearsal for the stage was fine, but when they perform, he feels like dying right at the spot. Every movement that has been burned into his head goes by itself and while he tries to keep calm, he actually only wants the song to end.

And when Changkyun accidentally bumps against him and gives him an apologetic, nervous smile, he feels like he is going to lose consciousness soon. No smile ever escapes his lips, just a blank expression that screams for help, but there is nobody to listen.

It's the loud applause and the screams of their fans and Hoseok's small gesture that tells him, it's fine to fake a smile - at least there is one - that makes him feel a bit warm inside, because even if he was in a bad mood, forcing a smile makes him feel better.

And later, when he waves at the crowd, Hyungwon sees them gasping, happily looking at him with smiles all across their faces, that he feels bad for showing this wrong smile which didn't hold any feelings behind.

In the evening, when they are sat in the car and almost everyone passes out from exhaustion, Hyungwon forces himself to stay awake for a bit longer. Even though Kihyun softly whispers that he can fall asleep if he wants to, Hyungwon doesn't; feels too bad for being so tired all the time and looking off.

And when they arrive and get out of the car, Hyungwon tries to tell Hyunwoo he is sorry for being so weird in the middle of their promotions, but the eldest of them is too tired to listen, so he just nods but Hyungwon knows, he doesn't even know what it was about. But that's fine.

 

It's two in the morning and they had less than three hours of sleep to go until they had to leave for an early schedule again and people would say he was getting used to it already, but he can't.

Jooheon and Minhyuk immediately fall onto the sofas, falling asleep in less than a minute and Hyunwoo sighs softly before covering them up with blankets. Hoseok makes himself some coffee; he was probably going to stay awake the whole night, working on the next songs and Kihyun disappears somewhere into the kitchen; probably stress-cleaning again.

Hyungwon was standing in the middle of their corridor, blankly staring into space, when Changkyun walks by, shoulders brushing by and when he asks him where he's going, the younger smiles and it looks so weak and exhausted. „Back to the studio. We'll be having a meeting later and I told them I'll be there. Be back in the morning“ He grabs a pair of keys and walks out.

Everyone was sleeping when Hyungwon finds out he has been awake for the last hour, staring at the walls. He couldn't close his eyes and every second passing feels like an hour. He would love to go to sleep; every free time can make him look less unattractive and more appealing.

That's when he hears rustling on the other side of the room and he sits up, runs a hand through his long strands and everything feels uncomfortable for a second, so he walks out into the other bedroom to find Kihyun silently pace back and forth.

„Everything's fine?“, he whispers and the older flinches, looks at him. „Yeah“ he replies, nervously, trembling, but Hyungwon can see it. He looks like he had been crying minutes before.

„Can I talk with you?“

„Sure.“, but he moves back.

He sighs, „I'm sorry for my behavior. I'm trying so hard to stay positive, because I know I'm not the only one with the personal problems, but it's killing me so much these days. I can't sleep realizing how different I am from you all and I keep on telling myself to stop thinking about it, but it just doesn't disappear. I feel so empty and left-out though I know you all are around me all the time. I feel like I don't belong to the group anymore and I know it sounds weird, but it has been on my mind for such a long time already. I just don't know what to do anymore.“

It's not that usual for him to say his thoughts out loud so often, so talking to Kihyun, watching his eyes widen and his jaw clenching and unclenching, makes him realize something.

It's Kihyun crying that gets him, because he sees the latter cry almost never and when Kihyun walks over to him, he expects a hug, but only gets a punch into the shoulder.

“Idiot. Of course we were angry at you for not saying anything. It seemed like you just didn't want to talk about it. We were all angry at you at some point. It seemed unfair; ' _how come you could stick out with your problems more than we with ours?'_ We all have our own problems that we can choose to talk about or not. I'm not telling you to keep everything to yourself. I rather want to tell you that you can always come to me and talk if you ever have something to say. Don't think that you are not a part of us. You'll always be with us and we'll never turn our backs to you, because you are just as important, alright?”

Kihyun smiles, tells him to go to sleep and not to think about it anymore.

And he does.

 

 

The crowd is big; bigger than he ever though it would be and when he stares into each of the pair of the eyes, they screamed nothing but gratitude and love. And he likes it like this; likes to make them all happy, because they make him happy as well.

Because he can stop smiling so weakly and faked, can finally laugh out loud and feel safe in this world that embraces him like this.

The sweat that comes from their hard work, the screams that fill his ears and the song that leaves his lips; it seems unrealistic.

And when he feels six hands holding onto his back, voices filling his ears that he can make out immediately and they all look at him; Hyunwoo, Hoseok, Minhyuk, Kihyun, Jooheon and Changkyun and he feels so loved for a second. Feels like every second he spends with these guys will be his happiest ones – at least for now.

And Kihyun gives him a reassuring smile and slightly squeezes his shoulder before holding the microphone up his lips again to continue singing and it's this world flashing by his eyes that seems so perfect and beautiful for a second.

And although he knows, that, after this, he will feel the same head-aches in the morning again and feel the same pain all over his body again and again, but it's fine.

 

_It's worth it._

 


End file.
